Ambition or Avoidance?

Jan 2

Over the holidays, my husband Michael introduced me to the idea of choosing a theme for the year.

For the past ten years, I’ve chosen a word — a kind of directive but mostly a gentle friend. Peace. Capacity.

A theme feels more intentional — a trajectory, a right way to turn when you come to a fork in the road, an action. At first, I thought my theme for this year might be leadership. I am being asked to lead these days in a greater capacity. This new role is asking a lot of me and I want to step up.

I find myself, like tonight, choosing to actively engage with the world - learn, read, even work - in moments where I might have passively consumed entertainment in the past. A friend of mine even sent an invitation to a leadership course running this January - The Inner Life of the Leader - which I intend to take.

But no, leadership isn’t my theme this year. Ambition is.

I have long had a complicated relationship with ambition. My mother is an ambitious woman and growing up I resented it. She wasn’t like the other moms — baking and cooking and crafting for the school bazaar. She was out there in the world trying to make something of herself, something of the world. Oh, and she has.

In preparation for my year of ambition, I’ve called on my therapist to unpack my hangups and to unravel my tendency towards avoidance. I have written myself two post-its and placed them on my desk: